Humor
Hot Air
I recently heard of a pastor who put a new hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church. But after a few weeks had them removed and replaced with paper-towel dispensers. When asked him why he had them removed he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, “For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”
Unanswered Prayer
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. “Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.” “How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.
You Be Jesus!
A pastor’s wife was preparing pancakes for her young sons. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their Mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.” The oldest boy turned to his younger brother and said, “You be Jesus.”
Butt Dust
One Sunday morning, a pastor was passionately opening his sermon. With eyes closed and arms lifted toward heaven, he declared, “Lord, without You, we are but dust…” Just then, a little girl sitting near the front, who had been listening intently, tugged on her mother’s arm and asked (in a loud and curious voice), “Mommy… what’s butt dust?” Well, the congregation lost it. And so did the pastor!
From Dust to Dust
On Sunday after church, a little boy named Johnny told his parents he needed to go and see the pastor (right away). Not understanding why, the parents reluctantly agreed. When they arrived at the pastor’s home, Johnny spoke up and said, “Pastor, I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust.”
“That’s right, Johnny, I did,” replied the pastor. “And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust,” said Johnny. Again, the pastor replied, “Yes Johnny — I’m so glad you were listening today. But…Why do you ask?” To which Johnny replied, “Because, I looked under my bed earlier today and — there’s either someone comin’ or goin’!”
Pastoral Apologetics
Atheist: “Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish?”
Preacher: “I don’t know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I’ll ask him.”
Atheist: “But suppose he isn’t in heaven?”
Preacher: “Then you ask him.”
“God is great, God is good, Let us thank Him…”
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, “O Lord, I’m so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish—make a Christian out of that bear that’s coming at me!”
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher’s feet: “Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive.”
Pastoral Visitation
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20’ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, ‘Genesis 3:10.’
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock.’ Genesis 3:10 reads, ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.’
I’m Not One to Complain
I read this past week about an employee who went to his boss, really upset over a mistake he noticed on his paycheck. He said, ‘Sir, my check is $100 short this week!’ His boss responded, ‘Yes, I know. But last week we accidentally overpaid you $100 — and you didn’t say anything about that!’ Well, the employee shot back, ‘Yes, but that’s because I’m really not one to complain…and I can let one mistake slide.But when it starts to become a habit, well — that’s when I have to speak up!’
Overcoming Crocodiles
There’s a story told about a VERY WEALTHY MAN who made his fortune by raising crocodiles. Crocodile farming led to all sorts of industry and the selling of rare and expensive croc skins and high-end fashion. Well, one day, the man threw a party with the interest of finding a suitable husband for his beautiful daughter. In the middle of the party he interrupted the fun to present a challenge to all the male suitors. Introducing his beautiful daughter to the crowd, he said, “If anyone is able to swim across this large crocodile pool — from one end to the other, I will rewarded them with the hand of my daughter and make them the heir to my estate.”
Well, there was a buzz that went thoughout the audience — as everyone was waiting to see, who would be brave enough to dare the crocs. And then, out of nowhere, there was a huge big splash as a man began to ferociously swim across the pool. The crowd couldn’t believe it, but began to cheer him on.
A few seconds later the young man miraculously reached the other end of the pool — and leaped out of the water. The people erupted in celebration.
The rich farmer could hardly believe his eyes. With the young man out of breath — the farmer ran to meet him. After congratulating Him, the farmer said, “Before I give my daughter’s hand to you in marriage, I just have one question. What were you thinking when you hit the water? What was on your mind?” The young man said. “Just one thing — WHO PUSHED ME IN?!”
Ministry Memes
Church Signs That Just Don’t Help!
Having spent many years running through the halls of the church, I can attest to the fact that sometimes our efforts to communicate our Christian faith and the good news of Christ falls far short of being effective. Nowhere is this better seen than on the marquee signs in front of our buildings. While there are times the church does well — all too often we seek to be cute or coy to gain the attention of our communities to the detriment of our message. This week I ran across a number of good examples of bad church signs online. Here’s just a few that made my list of signs that should have never been put up:
